“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
You Might Also Like
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Mouse
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor