Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
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For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
#inspiration #foodforthought
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.