If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
You Might Also Like
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.