If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
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If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
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WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.