her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
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i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Knock Knock
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
I hope Alan is OK
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.