I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
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Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*