Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
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When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.