THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
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The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.