Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
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If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
🙂🐾
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful