Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
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Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday