“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
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[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.