God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
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I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Meanwhile in Canada…
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.