If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
You Might Also Like
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Dammit Chief not again
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
a
n
s
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.