Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
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When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME: