I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
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Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
I hope google does well on my son’s test
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground