If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
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*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.