What number SPF blocks people?
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Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.