People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
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Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
This made me chuckle.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
My biological clock is wheezing.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit