[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
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He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.