There is no “ea” in Tim.
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(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
What the hell happened here.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.