My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
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6: are snakes just neck?
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Always 🥴
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it