Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
You Might Also Like
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
I WON A HAM TODAY
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Sunday
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’