Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
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Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Feels
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
🙅🏻
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.