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Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%