In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
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Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.