ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
You Might Also Like
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
August 8
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.