FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
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[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict