me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
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A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
#SuperBowl
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
I’M CRYINGGG
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao