PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
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Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
You had me at “define legal”.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.