Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
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I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
worst…sale…ever
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.