My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
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“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms