“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
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Teach your children to beatbox
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.