Werent we promised soylent green by now?
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“You’d better run, egg!”
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
the best thing i’ve ever made
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?