Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
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If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you