For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
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person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.