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Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird