Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Yep.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.