Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
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*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok