“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
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Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
There’s always that one guy
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.