Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
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I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Tier 3 meme
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?