Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
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mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.