Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
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This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
men are simple creatures
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
welp
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…