If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
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An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Bike for sale
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
He took my last fry, your honor
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Saturday
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later