*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
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In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster