Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
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Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.