Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
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ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
When you’ve simply given up.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.