Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
You Might Also Like
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
The sacred texts.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.