BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
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Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.