Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
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[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”