Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
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starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.